Welcome back to Eight Years In. (And if you’re new here, welcome!) Last week, we talked about being a vegan living in a nonvegan household (if you want to check out that post, you can find it here). And I mentioned that in my experience, being the only vegan in the house as a minor came with a different set of challenges stemming from not having your own money or emotional independence yet.
And I wanted to talk about that here, to give credence to the different kind of situation that it truly is and was for many long term vegans, including me. I hope that my experience and advice can be useful for you!
My story
I won’t bog you down with too many details about me and my own personal journey, since I find that stuff pretty boring to read when you’re looking for the solution to your personal problem. But I do want to provide you with a brief background for context.
As a kid, I wanted to be vegetarian the minute I heard about it. My parents convinced me against it, saying it would be too hard to make food for me and they really didn’t know what I would eat on holidays. That sort of thing. Being a kid and having my food supply come from them, I unhappily said okay and that I understood. However, the discussion came up again at 15 years old when I decided that I was going vegan.
My family didn’t have a lot of money and at the time, there were many evenings when we had to watch how much we were eating, not because of dietary concerns but because we weren’t sure there would be enough. That being said, hearing about veganism about a month before my 15th birthday was enough to change my mind. I knew I couldn’t participate in the use, abuse and killing of animals anymore. Ethically speaking, I just couldn’t handle it. I knew on the spot that I wanted to go vegan.
Don’t hide it
So something that may come innately to you is the urge to hide the fact that you’re going vegan from your family. And I understand that. I don’t particularly like talking about my veganism or my philosophy of life with many people either. It’s quite private. In fact, the first thing I did when I went vegan was I tried to hide it.
But since I’ve been there, done that, I can tell you it really didn’t go well and I very much do not recommend it. You think it’s the easier way out because you get to avoid talking about the tough stuff (injustice, lies that we’re told to hide the injustice, and the fact that you’re rejecting your parent’s way of life) but really it just doesn’t go well.
You can only pretend you’re sick for so long before people start getting seriously worried about you. And even if you go another route they’re going to wonder why you’re not eating their food at the very least. Not to mention if you don’t get some good nutritious food in you, you’re going to start feeling bad very quickly. Don’t do what I did and pretend to have a stomachache and then raid the cupboards for a PB and J for weeks. I’m serious, it sucks. And eventually, you realize that you have to share a home with these people and move on with your life. So that segues into my next point.
Have the hard conversations
If you’re going to go vegan, you’re going to have to tell your parents sooner or later. And it probably won’t be just one conversation. It’ll be many. (I mean, eight years later, I’m still having conversations about it with my mom from time to time.) They’ll want to know why and what that means and how. And how. And how again. (There will be a lot of conversations about how, even if they’re on board.)
It feels like there are a lot of land mines in these conversations, and I suppose there are. It makes sense, with all the feelings and emotionally charged topics at hand. (If you’re having a hard time with the initial conversation about telling your parents you want to go vegan, look out for the next post I’ve got coming up about how to have that little talk.) But really, if you want one simple, general piece of advice about it all, I would tell you this. Be open and honest.
You want to be honest about what you do and don’t know. Be honest about how you feel and what you are ethically comfortable and uncomfortable with. And be open to solutions that seem a little odd at first but might just work. This is new territory for both you and your parents. It’s going to take a little bit of time and effort to get it right.
Get involved
The other piece of the puzzle is that you really want to take matters into your own hands, to some extent. You can’t ask your parents to perform your veganism for you. What I mean by that is simply this. If you’re mature enough to make the decision to be vegan, you’re mature enough to help out with making that happen.
Learn about which products are vegan and which are not. Look for new foods and recipes to try and start learning about cooking. Help your parents out with the lunches you pack for school or brainstorming on the go breakfast ideas. This will help you become more knowledgable about veganism. And also, how you’re going to do things once you’re an independent adult.
Do what you can
I know that there are parents who might make a rule against you going vegan or flat out forbid it. And I think that that’s a really tough situation to be in. Morally, I have a hard time telling anyone to break their parents’ rules or to give up on the idea of being vegan.
But I will say this. The definition of veganism is about doing what you possibly and practicably can to avoid the use of animals and animal products. I think not being allowed to be vegan based on the rules of your parents falls into this category. They are in charge of you, for now.
If your parents have made a rule that you can’t go vegan and you know that you cannot do anything to change their minds or go against what they say, then I would leave you with the advice to simply do the best you can. If you do take the last tip of getting involved with cooking and shopping, you can put in as much influence as you can there. Maybe you’ll make your family cookies and they’ll just happen to be vegan because you found a really good recipe. Nobody has to necessarily be told that the food you’re making is vegan. And when you have greater freedom outside of your home, you can choose the vegan options offered to you.
I remember what it is like to live at home and feel like you have no control over the kind of life you’re living. It’s really frustrating some days. But I promise you, it goes by a lot faster than you think it will. And remember, once you’re grown up, nobody can tell you not to be vegan. You can use this time to learn more about veganism in general and how to eat a healthful vegan diet. That way, when you do get to make your own consumer decisions, you’ll be ready.
You can still participate in activism
Even if you’re not allowed to be vegan, you can still do what you can to help out the animals. You can do research, spread information, and learn about cognitive dissonance. You can learn about communication and activism. Also how to have honest and effective conversations with people. That’s a part that is often missing in many types of vegan activism.
And remember, this is not a single issue world. If you’re doing as much as you can to aim toward veganism under your parents rules, don’t get emotionally caught up in the idea that you’re a hypocrite. It’s not worth your time. Just do what you can to make the world a better place in whatever other ways you’re able to find. Volunteer your time. Get into water conservation or zero waste. Dig into your studies and plan out how you’re going to help the world with your contribution to it. Remember that you have more personal power than you could possibly imagine. Don’t waste your focus on something you can’t control.
If you’re interested in more vegan content, consider subscribing to the blog. That way you’ll get email updates when a new post goes live. And let us know if you have any tips for living with a nonvegan family in the comments so we can learn from each other. As usual, have a fantastic day!