Hello and welcome to Eight Years In! You’re probably here reading this because you want to go vegan and you’re not sure how to tell your parents. I was in this same situation back when I was 15. I was nervous and frustrated, but I knew what I wanted to do. But I was worried about what my mom might say. Would she be angry with me? Tell me that I wasn’t allowed to? But I knew I needed to have this conversation.
Looking back on this time in my life, I’m proud of myself for being brave and mustering up the courage to tell her who I wanted to be and the kind of life I wanted to live. At the time, it was a big deal for me. And yet, that being said, there are still some things that I wish I could have done better. So I thought I would take some time to write out what I wish I would have thought through before having this conversation, in hopes that it can help somebody else, all these years later. Because the thought that you might do a better job than I did communicating this fills me with warm feelings. Please, learn from my mistakes.
Do your research
Before you talk to your parents about this, please, try and do some research. You don’t have to know every single stat there is to know about animal agriculture or deforestation or even every issue that has to do with veganism. But you do want to know enough to make your point clear and to have a definite idea of why you’re doing this in the first place.
If your parents are not vegan, they may not react favorably to this new lifestyle that you’ve chosen. And if you’re wishy-washy in your reasoning, they may be inclined to try to dissuade you instead of listening to you. If you don’t want that, make sure you’ve got your reasoning down solid. Once you’re sure you know why you want to be vegan, you’re ready to have your talk. So let’s get into the talk. How do we do this? What should we bring up? What do we want to avoid?
Explain why
So remember that good reasoning you developed as to why you want to be vegan? Now’s the time to lay it out in front of them. Explain why you want to go vegan (as well as what that entails, if they don’t know).
Especially at this point, you want to avoid the emotional side of these things and stick straight to the facts. “This is what I have found. This is what I am deciding to do.” You can certainly talk about how you feel about these things, if the topic comes up. But what you don’t want is to get your conversation so far in the weeds that your parents want to give you a hug instead of listening to what you have to say. So be succinct. Answer their questions factually and honestly and thoroughly, to the best of your ability.
Give them credit
Many parents will not be too happy to hear that you’re going vegan. They feel that it is, in a sense, a confrontation of them and their values. Like you’re saying they’re terrible people for not being vegan. (Actually, this is a pretty common nonvegan response to vegan discourse, but I feel that sometimes these tight family bonds can just exacerbate this defensiveness.)
And for this reason, I want to remind you that your parents may deserve some credit for this decision of yours, even though they’re not vegan. And I think it’s a nice thing to do to acknowledge that while you’re talking to them. They taught you right from wrong, they taught you that what’s popular is not always right and that you should stand up for what you believe in. So tell them that. Acknowledge their good parenting with a phrase like “You raised me to stand up for what I believe is right and that’s what I’m doing”. Show them that you know that they love you and care about you. Show them that you still respect them and you’re not calling them bad people just because you read some stuff on the internet.
Don’t get into an argument about ethics
They probably won’t be immediately excited about your choice to go vegan if they are not vegan themself. It isn’t the time to get into a fight about personal ethics. This conversation will make things clear: you are your own person with your own set of personal ethics. Do what you can to not make it into a fight about whose world view is correct.
I understand the pull. I probably spent the first six months of my veganism pulling my hair out begging for people to listen to me. It didn’t go well. But more than anything, this initial conversation is really not the time for it. If you want to go vegan then you need to talk about the facts you found and your interpretation of the ethics of them. If you try to pull them into the rabbit hole with you, the conversation just becomes about something completely different and to be honest, may not even achieve what you set out to achieve.
Don’t fight about veganism. Not now. First, secure your veganism. Learn how you can make it work for you and your household first. If you want to have conversations later on about convincing others to try veganism and open their eyes to the injustices we put animals through every day, then sure. Try that later. But put it on the back burner for now. Keep focused on what you’re setting out to do. Telling your parents that you want to go vegan.
Be willing to discuss logistics
I remember when I first went vegan, my mom had a ton of questions for how this was going to work. And I didn’t have very many answers for her. I think it’s important to stay open to these sorts of conversations with your parents, even though they can initially be very uncomfortable.
Admitting that you don’t know the ins and outs of a a vegan lifestyle is not a “gotcha”. It’s actually a great first step to learning more. If your parents want to help you out and figure out what a regular lunch or dinner might look like as a vegan or what you’re going to do for your birthday next month, try to be open and collaborative with them. Tell them about what all you really like about your current routine and what would need to change in the future due to your veganism.
Show them that this is important to you and that you’re willing to work with them to come to solutions that work for all of you. Understand that they’re not likely trying to trip you up. Instead, they want you to be happy and healthy. And they’re trying to work out how that can be accomplished.
Be a healthy vegan
And you can, in fact, be a happy, healthy vegan. You can still have great tasting food that nourishes you. You can still have your junk food Friday night. You can still eat a birthday cake or have a pizza party. It’ll just take a little more learning and planning.
Let your family know that you are thankful they care about you and your wellbeing. And share with them the fact that it is scientific consensus that a well planned vegan diet is healthy for people of all stages of life—that includes you! Get interested in learning how to be a happy, healthy vegan, and helping your family find ways to support you in that.
Don’t do what I did
And I think that’s really the bulk of what I wish I had known. I remember how hesitant my mom was about me being vegan. I think concerned is really the better way of putting it. She was worried that I wouldn’t be able to be a healthy, thriving young lady. She wanted to know that I was safe making this decision and she wasn’t losing a daughter. I wasn’t able to assure her in the way that I wish I would have been back then. All I saw was that this was very important to me and she was trying to keep me from it.
We both could have communicated better about this subject. In fact, we both still have a long way to go. But with time and patience we’ve learned this: I can be vegan and it doesn’t mean that she has to lose her kid. And I hope that you’re able to shave off years of conflict by knowing all of this in advance.
I wish you the best of luck with telling your parents about your decision to go vegan. If you’re looking for more content about veganism (whether it’s food help or more conversations about interacting with nonvegans socially), consider subscribing to the blog. That way, you’ll get email updates whenever a new post goes live. And if you want to read about being the only vegan in a nonvegan household, you can find that post here. As usual, have a great day!