Hello and welcome back to Eight Years In! Today we’re talking about an important topic. The topic of coexistence with nonvegans. And, more specifically, living with a nonvegan family. Let’s dig into it. 

   I’m not going to question your reasoning for living with nonvegans in this post. Having been vegan for over 8 years now, I’ve lived with nonvegan family for, well, pretty much eight years. It can get frustrating and exhausting at times. But they’re my family. And if you’re in a similar boat as I am, then you’re probably scouring the internet for tips just as I was in the beginning. The fact is, asking “how can we make this work?” Is a great thing to do.

It’s just like when you’re considering a long term relationship with nonvegans, romantically speaking. The intimacy of the connection is going to have you needing some more creative solutions than just “ignore it and let it be”. You can do that with strangers and acquaintances, to just go forward and live your nice little vegan life (ignoring the bit about activism that many of us feel beholden to). But if they’re spending holidays and birthdays with you, you need more. If they’re spending all your evenings with you, even more so.

An “adult vegan”

   I’ve decided to break this up into two parts. This one, for adults. And one more post for minors. The reason for this being that in my experience, being the only vegan in a household was very different as an adult vs as a minor. However, I will be speaking from my experience as well as more general ideas based on “adulthood” and “not being an adult” yet. For that reason, depending on your situation, you might find helpful things for your personal situation on both posts. 

   Here, we will be talking about being the only vegan in a household when you have your own money and you are considered an equal contributor logistically and emotionally to your household. People can’t tell you what to do, but you do want to coexist. I understand that perhaps not all adults are in this situation, but for simplicity’s sake, I decided to categorize it this way. 

   If you are in a situation where you are perhaps a long term guest in someone’s house, you don’t make your own money, or you are beholden to someone else’s rules and influence at home, you may find more help in the post for minors. However, I still advise you to stick around for this one. You may realize you have more freedom than you thought. 

First things first

   So, with all that being said, let’s get into it! I want to start with logistical things because that’s what I would consider a baseline for living together. Also, I try to make more dedicated posts to the inner emotional journey of being a vegan in a nonvegan world like this one about what to do with the vegan anger. 

   We’re going to talk about the emotions in this post too, towards the end. But I would really recommend you dig into the more dedicated posts for them. They’re going to be more helpful in that way. Moving forward, though. Here are some tips for living with your nonvegan family!

Get used to buying your own special treats

   I find that it often falls on me to find my own special food for holidays and celebrations. It used to bother me a little bit because back before being vegan, if someone invited you over to dinner, that meant that they would be providing a dinner for you. And while many vegans will say that it still should, I’d say that we’re not inspecting the situation closely enough if we’re insisting on that. 

   Often enough, when someone invites you over for dinner, they’re using the dinner as an excuse for spending time with you. And in my opinion, if they need to bribe you with free food to spend time with them, that probably means that you don’t actually want to be spending time with them. Or, I guess put differently. If you’re not willing to spend time with them without treats, then there’s probably something more going on than the treats. Some other issue. 

   For some, this means that they want to take the liberation pledge (which you can read more about here), meaning that they won’t share a meal where animals are being eaten. But I think for many, it has more to do with the fractures that already exist in the relationship. If you feel rejected by a person already, you may take their short-sightedness as another slight. Another rejection. And vice versa, they may take your veganism as a rejection of tradition and the old ways, and that can be personal for many people.

   However, you will find that by bringing your own vegan food to events, you can more or less just triage back into the occasion. And hey, bring enough to share. Because you may think that nonvegans are against vegan food. (Some are.) But most just don’t know what it is or how to cook it. And a lot of them will want to try yours, if you let them. And if you’re a good cook (or found a good product), they’ll end up wanting more than “just a taste”. 

Be the cook!

   Which helps me segue into this next point here. If it bothers you that your family is eating a lot of nonvegan food around you, often enough there is a pretty simple solution. Get cooking. 

   Now, you may have others in your family who are really considerate and want to cook for everyone as their contribution to the household. But in general, most people are happy to have someone else take care of dinner. And if you’re making it, you can make it vegan. 

   For this strategy of “we eat mostly vegan food in this house because I’m vegan and I’m the one cooking” to work long term, you’re going to want to exercise those chefly muscles. Get to be a good cook. Learn how to look at a recipe and determine if it is reasonable and will work for your skill level and tastes. If your food tastes better than what other people would make (or even if it’s just as good), your family’s not going to complain. 

Be involved in shopping

   So this one definitely plays off the other two. But get involved in the shopping for the household. Going vegan, you’re going to probably be trying out new products (like shampoo or body wash, for example). But the person who usually does the shopping won’t know that. And they won’t necessarily know what you’re looking for even if they understand that you’re not just going to use what you’ve always used. 

   To avoid any mishaps (like “Hey, I got your shampoo” “I’m not using that anymore, it was tested on animals!”), tag along on shopping trips, at least until you’ve developed a discernible habit. 

   This applies to grocery shopping too. You’ll get ideas on what they like and what you can adapt to vegan meals, as well as be able to see new fun vegan options at the grocery store. That’s a fun thing of this modern day veganism that I wouldn’t want anyone to have to skip. 

Adapting to mixed vegan household

   If there is a meal that someone wants to make that’s not vegan, then you might be at a bit of a crossroads. So here’s what my family and I do. 

   Firstly, if it’s just one specific thing that they want (like a nonvegan side) then we just make a vegan meal with that thing on the side. For instance, it’ll be beans and rice and salad, and then they’ll make their piece of meat for their plate or add a sprinkle of cheese or whatever.

   If it is a specific dish that they’re looking for, it does get a little more touch and go. So I’ll look for a vegan substitute at the store. For instance, there was a time when they were ordering pizza more often. And during that time I would keep some frozen vegan pizzas in our freezer, for when they decided they wanted to order up some pizza. That way, I knew I would have something. It doesn’t have to be one for one, if you can’t find the exact vegan version at the store. But knowing you have something delicious waiting for you will help. 

   And then, the third thing I’ll do is focusing on veganizing certain recipes. The ones that I know are important to my family. For instance, I learned how to make vegan pizza myself. As well as chocolate cake, Mac and cheese, those type of things. Many people think that a vegan version of their favorite foods won’t be as good. However, in my experience if you find the right recipe you can make something just as good if not better than your old favorites. 

Let everyone get involved 

   My last tip may seem a little bit odd. Especially after all of my previous ones being about stepping up and filling in the holes and taking personal responsibility. But it is no less important. 

   If you stay vegan for long enough, there comes a time in most households where vegan food starts to gain the status of “just food”. Which can be kind of confusing at times, I’ll admit. The same people who refused to eat anything vegan start giving your stuff a try. Maybe even asking you to make your special whatever-it-is sometimes. 

   And if the nonvegans are thinking about your emotional response to this, they probably figure it’ll make you happy. I mean, isn’t this what you wanted? For them to be eating more vegan food? But I know it can be slightly more complicated than that. 

Quick detour for emotional discourse

   Well, first of all, it’s certainly more complicated than that because veganism isn’t just a diet. If you’re an ethical vegan, you probably want your family to be too. And there’s more that goes into that than just eating some vegan food sometimes, so obviously that’s not “what you’ve always wanted”. 

   In fact, branching off of that, there can be some pretty conflicting feelings involved. Sure, you’re glad that they’re eating more vegan food and have stopped the weird prejudice against vegan meals. But where was this when you needed emotional support first going vegan? Why now? 

   And of course, there’s this part of you that gets your hopes up. Like, “I finally convinced them to have vegan pancakes last weekend and they liked them! Maybe they’ll go vegan now!” Sometimes they’ll even say stuff like that too, “oh, you’re turning me vegan” or something similar. And then if they later tell you they were just joking or they’ve decided against it, that can be pretty upsetting. 

   These feelings can be very difficult to sit with, particularly when you know how badly we are treating the animals. My best advice is to try to keep your ego out of it, first of all. When they reject your veganism or the food that you made, they’re not rejecting you. They’re rejecting the idea of veganism. Not to say that keeping that straight will keep you out of negative feelings, but it will make sure you’re not adding one more problem to the pile when you converse with them. 

   And secondly, don’t get your hopes up either. I don’t know many vegans in real life, but I’m familiar with many online and there are quite a few vegan activists who just have to make a boundary with their families. They will do a whole boatload of activism in the outside world but they realize that it is wasted on their family who for whatever reason simply won’t go vegan. 

   I’m not suggesting that if your family isn’t vegan after you have been for a long time that you automatically should take this approach. But for me, it does illustrate one simple thing. Your family may very well never go vegan with you. And keeping your emotions on the hook for this kind of change isn’t healthy for them or you. It’ll hurt you and the relationship if every time you interact with them, you’re just sitting there, hoping they’re about to tell you they’re going vegan. But what do you do instead?

Back to letting people get involved

   So, with proper emotional framing, let everyone be involved with veganism to the degree that they’re willing and interested. Even if they aren’t vegan or considering it. If your desserts are bomb and they ask you to make one for the holiday, honestly consider it. It’s nice to plant seeds and give them a nice memory of something vegan. 

   Let your hunting-obsessed uncle help you make a lentil loaf if he feels like it. It could be a good bonding activity and open doors for him in the future to understand meat free meals. And if the people in your house would like to watch a vegan documentary with you, be supportive of that. 

   My point is two-fold. We all start somewhere. Unless you were born vegan (I understand there are a few of you out there, but most of us were not) then there was a time for you when you didn’t realize the cruelty behind all of these animal products. And you wouldn’t have known how to find vegan products and activities either. You might not have even heard the word before. 

   There is a weird perception amongst some nonvegans that veganism is like this exclusive club and that vegans want to keep people out of it. The fact is, that couldn’t be further from the truth. Ethical vegans wish that more people were vegan. Anyone, really. 

   I think that nonvegans get this idea because they don’t get praised when they do any little step towards veganism. (Now, I don’t know why they think they would get praised for putting oat milk in their coffee one morning, looking at it from an ethical vegan’s perspective. But I do know that they find it discouraging.) I’m not telling you that you have to hold the hand of your nonvegan family and condescendingly cheerlead them for the most minute of things. However, don’t cross over into negativity when you see them trying to make an effort. If they’re eating a burrito with beans instead of meat and you just make them feel bad for not doing that all the time or not taking the cheese out too, that puts a bad memory in their head and bolsters up their reservations about veganism in general. 

   For all of you more rational-minded “extreme” vegans, I understand that this response isn’t logical. It’s a defense mechanism. While it seems counterproductive to interact and “tiptoe around” that defense mechanism, it doesn’t change the fact that it’s there. And yes, it’s something you’re going to have to deal with one way or another. 

Supply and demand still stands

   So be open with the nitty gritty of vegan everyday life and facts about the animal agriculture industry. It’s one of the best things you can do as an activist. Let people have access to the information that changed you mind. 

   My other point is difficult to phrase succinctly. And for that reason, it can be unpopular with some vegans, but I’ll try to be precise. Veganism, as a practice, is imperfect itself. (This isn’t a new concept on this site, and I’ll get to that post soon, I swear.) It’s about doing your best to cut out the suffering necessitated to support your lifestyle, on behalf of the victims of the animal agriculture industry. We know that we can’t save every animal. Many are already dead or will die and there’s nothing we can do about it. 

   But if what we can do with our veganism boils down to activism plus supply and demand, then our families eating less animal products helps with supply and demand too. And as vegans, that’s something that, regardless of the complicated emotions it can bring, we should be supportive of. 

   So let the nonvegans try vegan food and products. If they’re interested, share information with them about animal agriculture and why people go vegan. Let them be a part of vegan things, whether it’s to bond with you or learn more about veganism. Either way, their interest is a good thing as long as you don’t get your feelings twisted up about it. 

To learn more

   Thank you for reading my thoughts. If you’re interested in more vegan content, subscribe to the blog to get email updates when new posts go live. And if you’re a minor living in a nonvegan household, check out the upcoming post about that part of my vegan journey and my advice for you. Let us know in the comments if you have any tips that have helped you live as a vegan in a nonvegan household, because we could always use more wisdom about how to bring about peace and harmony in the home. And as usual, have an amazing day!