Recently we covered vegans and nonvegans in romantic relationships, and I mentioned how it definitely can work. However, it takes a certain kind of communication for this relationship. 

   And so, I decided to put together a short list of the questions that can be important to discuss, as a quick guide and overview for couples who are trying to make it work. These are the questions that have helped me and my partner over the years, and I hope they’re able to help you too. 

The attitude 

   I find that with most of these questions, it is important to catch the right balance. You want to listen intently to the answer and make a safe space for honest conversation. But after that, it’s time to find the line between boundaries and compromise, for both parties. 

   What I mean is, nobody should be expected to just swallow their feelings on something that’s important to them. That’s not a healthy relationship. And on the other hand, nobody should be made to do things they’re not comfortable with. 

   I do make the suggestion for both parties to get really honest with yourself about what you need in order to feel okay. Before you tell other people what you need, you have to know what it is you need yourself.  And once you do know exactly what you need, communicate that. And on top of it, communicate what you want or what would be ideal. 

   If it is known what you need and your partner can provide it all the time, but only sometimes the ideal can be reached, you might decide that you can live with that, in light of all the other wonderful things about your partner that you fell for. So, without further ado, let’s get to the questions!

Questions to ask the vegan

1) How do you feel about being around when nonvegan things are being cooked?

Sometimes there will be foods that vegans don’t want to be around while they’re being prepared. This will vary from vegan to vegan and some may have no issues around this, but it’s worth an ask. Often, the problem foods will be ones that are more “graphic” in nature. Think raw meat vs. scooping up some yogurt.

2) Have you taken the liberation pledge?

This one is really something that should be made clear already, but in case it wasn’t mentioned, it’s something the nonvegan really would need to be aware of. If you’re not familiar with the liberation pledge, it’s not a common vegan thing, however, it is a pledge that overlaps with veganism. If you want to read more about what it entails, you can read this post or you can find their website here.

3) Are you okay with nonvegan food/goods in your home if they aren’t don’t belong to you? What kinds?

So, I feel this one is a little bit of an outgrowth of the first two. But you have to remember that the vegan has chosen to abstain from animal (and animal tested) products as a way of life, due to a moral stance against them. So yes, it’s important to know what sorts of things they are and are not willing to have in their home. To a nonvegan, a sheepskin rug might be a nice, cozy decorative piece. But to the vegan partner, that nuance is lost because it is literally skin of a dead animal. Ironing out these details will be crucial for building an intimate relationship, especially if you’re considering moving in together in the future.

Questions to ask the nonvegan 

4) What kind of social obligations are you a part of that necessitate nonvegan food or activities?

You’ve got to remember, if someone’s not vegan, their life won’t be either. So it’s good to get an idea of what sorts of things they’re going to expect–or be expected–to participate in due to tradition or hobby.

5) How much would my participation be expected in these things? 

And then here comes the boundary part of this conversation. Because it’s true, there are traditions that come with families and social groups. And as a partner, it’s difficult to not be a part of that sometimes. So it’s important to get a sense of how much would be expected of you, both on the part of your partner as well as the people in their social circle. If you have ethical problems with the answer they give you, be honest and let the conversation flow from there. There may be some sort of solution you can come to, but you’ll never find it if you just swallow your feelings.

Questions for both parties

6) How do you see meals together working?

This is something that you’ll get a better idea of overtime, for sure. But it’s good to have a general idea beforehand. Many couples in this situation will make a vegan meal and then the nonvegan will have added nonvegan sides. Some vegans will say that they don’t want to prepare nonvegan food, so if the other person wants it, they have to take care of it. It really just depends on what the two of you are able to work out, but the best way to know is by talking about it.

7) What about grocery shopping?

Who is going to do the grocery shopping? Does the vegan feel comfortable with buying animal products if they know they are not going to use them? How will the process look for the two of you? There are lots of ins and outs with this one, and it might depend on the situation. But it’s important to get on the same page so that expectations are clear for everyone involved.

8) How much does the other person’s vegan status bother you?

Do you anticipate it causing conflict in the future? This is one that’s hard to estimate if you’ve never been in this sort of relationship before, but take a seat and a good long think. Minus all of the amazing, adorable things that you know about your partner, imagine what it will be like on the worse days. What sort of festering feelings might you have about this issue, and in the grand scheme of things, how much do they really matter? This, too, will become more clear overtime. But it’s something that’s better to head off at the pass when possible.

9) What sorts of jokes or statements are okay and not okay about your life choices?

This last thing is super important too, for everyone involved. If you’re going to make this relationship last, you’re going to have to know what sorts of things are off limits. Like anyone, you may say or do insensitive things on a bad day. But if you don’t have the conversation about what is not okay, it will be hard to define just how outside the lines someone’s behavior may have been. This is a clear difference that reflects a philosophy and moral discrepancy. And for that, it’s important to outline some real boundaries in order to build a foundation upon mutual respect.

Making it work

Now, it’s clear these questions are mostly a jumping off point, logistically speaking and boundary-wise. But I’ve found that thoroughly talking through these points and creating a mutual ground of expectations helps everyone involved know what they’re getting into, as well as saves arguments down the line.

Having these starting conversations will often bring up other important things to talk about that are more personal for you as a couple. But they tend to work as a start. As you get to know each other better, it’ll become more clear what you still have to iron out.

And I promise you, though it may seem frustrating at times, this kind of relationship can work long term if you want it to. Thank for reading my thoughts. If you’re looking for more vegan-related content in your life, consider subscribing to the blog for email updates. And if you want to learn about what kind of dates to take vegans on, stick around for the next post! As usual, have an awesome day!