Hi and welcome back to the questions for vegans series! Today, we’re looking at a question that has more nuance to it than you might realize. And I certainly can’t speak for every vegan, but I can hope to give you the lay of the land when it comes to common vegan thoughts on the subject. So let’s talk about vegans, nonvegans, and when they come together to eat. 

The setup

   If you’re a vegan who has nonvegan loved ones, you’ve likely had conversations about what that means to you. And many people, upon hearing their loved one has turned into an ethical vegan…well, they may start to make some strange assumptions. They hear that you think eating animals (and their byproducts) is wrong and the idea upsets you to think about, and in their care for you, some of them are quite prone to ask “Can I eat this in front of you?” 

   I personally believe that most people ask this out of genuine care for their vegan loved one. They don’t want to upset them, and are trying to avoid any behavior that would lead to that. Although there are also people who ask this with a very dismissive tone. And these people may be trying to imply that if the vegan is not comfortable, then they are being ridiculous and combative. I personally choose to believe the former is more common, especially for the sake of this series. 

The real answer

   Like I said, this isn’t one that I can answer for all vegans, or even most vegans. Because there isn’t one response that I find to be more common than another, and my own personal sense of it isn’t anywhere near “the answer”. 

   As much as some vegans may not like to hear the question so often, the only way to know how a vegan feels about you eating animal products in front of them is to ask them straight up. Although, in order to be efficient and make your intentions clear, I would recommend asking them at a time when there is no food being eaten, and asking them how they feel about having “animal products” being eaten around them. Instead of waiting for a situation to arise when they may feel pressured to react in a certain way. Or, for that matter, being too specific and thinking that just because they’re okay with you consuming a nonvegan cake around them, it’s also fine to prepare raw, bloody meat in front of their eyes. 

   Different people will have different boundaries around these things. That’s why it’s important for you to ask if it’s something you’re truly concerned about. But let’s take a look at the individual positions and see where they might be coming from. 

Yes, of course, why wouldn’t you?

   It seems to me, a response that’s getting increasingly common these days in the vegan community is “Of course you can eat whatever you want around me. I don’t care.” (These also tend to be the vegans who get a little annoyed at the question, because they don’t always see the possible utility to it.) And often enough, they mean it when they say it. 

   You see, a big part of veganism is the acknowledgement of supply and demand. Vegans will not consume animal products or products tested on animals in order to take away their part of the demand for these products. And in the case of the people who truly don’t care one way or another what you consume in front of them, I think what we’re seeing is people with that at the forefront of their mind. 

   It’s a very cerebral approach to veganism, instead of perhaps an emotional one. Not to say that they don’t have feelings around veganism or anything like that. But in the moment of their answer, at the very least, they’re looking at their contribution to supply and demand as the first and foremost thing. They see that they’re doing what they can, and that’s all that they can control. So your choices aren’t important to them.

Of course you can (pt 2) 

   There is another attitude that might proceed the answer “of course you can”. You see, the person may care that you’re eating nonvegan food (or whatever) in front of them, but feel that it’s not their place to tell you what to do. I mean, clearly as vegans, we feel that eating and being vegan is the way to go. But that doesn’t mean we think it’s our place to tell people how to live their lives, or fight for some specific standard of behavior due to our simple presence. 

   Some people might adhere to this answer because they’re trying to fight that stereotype of the militant vegan. Nobody wants to be the person that ruins all the fun and makes a happy day all about slaughter and cataclysm. But also, believe it or not, there are a lot of genuinely non-confrontational vegans. They don’t want to be frustrating or upsetting, they just want to live their lives and be a vegan at the same time. And sure, maybe they feel upset from time to time about how their loved ones aren’t vegan. But something that all people have to come to terms with in life is that sometimes good people do bad things and you’re not always going to agree with other people’s assessment of things. Veganism is just another way to have to learn this truth. 

Please don’t!

   So there are other vegans who are on the other side of the spectrum. These individuals ask that around them, you refrain from consuming animal products. Most of these individuals have taken the Liberation Pledge, which I’ve covered here on the site. Essentially the Liberation Pledge is an oath that people take to live vegan and not sit at a table where bodies of animals are being consumed. For some, this extends to nonvegan foods, for others it is solely about meat (or rather, the body of the animal).

   The philosophy of the Liberation Pledge is as follows: silence is complicitness. And while it is seen as extreme by many nonvegans, when you think about it, it really isn’t. Let’s take it in a separate context. We talk about the problem with bystanders all the time, and how many times have we heard “If you see something, say something”? Ethical vegans care about farmed animals.

Imagine if you were walking down the street and saw someone hurting a dog. Would it be extreme to say something? To confront the person? Most people would say no, that’s not extreme. The one doing the hurting is extreme. Most vegans would agree with you. However, what if the harm didn’t happen in your face? What if, instead, you were invited to a dinner where dog meat would be served? Is it then extreme to turn down the invitation or say you’d prefer to come at a different time, when no one will be eating a dog? 

   This example may seem absurd and obvious to you if you come from a place where dogs are seen as pets and not food. However, to a vegan, the feeling is very much the same. We see farm animals as individuals with feelings and personalities just like dogs. (And scientifically, it’s true.) So sitting down to a meal with a big turkey in the middle of the table feels the same as sitting down at a table with the carcass of a dog as the centerpiece.

So if you believe that bystanders have any sort of responsibility or can understand that perspective when others have it, there is your basis for understanding the Liberation Pledge. People who take it do not want to be complicit in these activities, or to convey the message that they are okay with them. It is as simple as that and has very little to do with a judgement of you personally, in most cases. (I say most, not all. Because vegans are human, and there are definitely some judgmental ones.) 

   So if you have someone in your life who has taken the Liberation Pledge but you still want to eat dinner with them, it is simple. Make or order some vegan food. It doesn’t have to be anything expensive or elaborate–some simple pasta or beans and rice will do as a gateway to spend time together. Or you could ask for them to teach you how to make some of their favorites. This would be both an activity and a meal, which sounds like a lot of fun! And if you want to know more about the Liberation Pledge, you can find their website here. 

My personal position

   In recent years, I’ve been able to have more valuable talks with my loved ones about my boundaries surrounding my veganism and I’ve come to find that I’m a lot more in the middle of most vegan opinions that I find online. (Which isn’t surprising since the internet likes to uphold the sensational. I know that I’m likely not alone when it comes to being more in the middle of most debates.) And there are a couple reasons why I find myself sitting in nuance on this subject. 

What function does it serve?

   First of all, there’s a question of effective activism. I mean, I can’t begin to make a case for or against abstaining from sharing a meal when there is nonvegan food being eaten. Hypothetically, I can understand how a situation may arise where in order to be more accommodating, one’s loved ones may decide to make a meal vegan. I respect that.

However, I have also seen many a family meal where the presence of a vegan (and subsequently their vegan food) has sparked greater interest in trying vegan food and asking questions about veganism in general. I know, for example, that my having vegan dishes at family holidays was my grandparent’s first exposure to vegan food (outside of accidentally vegan food like chips and salsa with a beer on a taco tuesday or something like that). And I think that it opened them up to the idea of veganism in general as well as eating food made from plants. I think that’s worth something. 

The big picture

   Also, I’m on the fence about how effective the absence of a vegan is in terms of general activism, emotionally speaking. I get the point that it’s trying to get across–that you’re not okay with eating animals and their byproducts. And I think it gets that across loud and clear. I also agree that if more and more people would take this pledge, then eventually more people would become vegan as the norm shifts. Peer pressure is real, and in this case, I do believe it would be for a good cause. 

   But as it stands now, I just don’t know if that’s getting across only the message that you’re trying to send. Instead, I’m concerned that it only further pigeonholes vegans into the stereotype of militant, oversensitive and extreme. I’m not saying that we should pander to the cognitive dissonance of the average meat eater. However, I do believe that it’s prudent to see if you’re making progress with your current method of communication. If nonvegans only see judgement in a vegan’s lack of presence at the family holiday, I don’t know if that’s a long-term win for veganism. There’s nuance there, and I think that’s important to take into account whether you decide to take the Liberation Pledge or not. 

Personal boundaries

   So then we get to the part of this that is really down to personal feelings and I have to admit, I’m torn here as well. I care very deeply about people and my loved ones, and I don’t want to be standoffish or make them feel like I think I’m better than them. Because I don’t think that, and I want to portray myself accurately when I am able. 

   However, being around nonvegan foods can be emotionally exhausting, especially when they are foods that more clearly look like the body parts they are, such as a chicken leg or rack of ribs. It’s harder to turn off the already heightened awareness that these things people are eating were once living beings. And at that, living beings who didn’t want to die. And on top of that, that I’m the only one in the room that seems to notice or care. It’s an emotionally distressing situation at times, and I don’t always have enough emotional stamina to deal with it. 

   I’ve now come to an agreement with my family that I will let them know if I don’t have the emotional energy to attend a gathering due to the prevalence of distressing content, and they will understand that it is not a judgement of them. And in return they have offered to try and make more of an effort to make meals where meat is not held up at the center as the “special thing”, because they know that is harder for me. And our coexistence around the differences of lifestyle have shifted in the years since my going vegan, as I expect it to continue to do so as we all grow and change along with our boundaries. I think that that’s how it ought to be. 

Conclusion

   Ultimately, if this is an honest-to-goodness question that you want to know, you’re going to have to ask your vegan person. Everyone’s going to have different opinions and boundaries on this one. When you ask, be ready to sit down and have a real conversation about it. Be ready to listen and ask clarifying questions. 

   I think that the more understanding both parties are willing to give to each other, the more of a good solution you’ll be able to come to about how to navigate this difference. When I first went vegan, it was very difficult to find a middle ground, both because of my loved one’s unfamiliarity with veganism as well as my own. I didn’t know what my boundaries would be, and it all seemed so new and fresh and exciting…and upsetting. I think if there is truly a healthy relationship there, communication can be used to find a middle ground or at least a mutual understanding for how things ought to go between you two (or however many are involved). 

   Expect things to shift overtime–people don’t stay the same forever. But respect what is there now. And like that, I truly do believe vegans and nonvegans can coexist. Thank you so much for reading my thoughts on the subject, and I hope I was able to give you the beginnings of an understanding of your question. If you’re looking for more questions for vegans, go here for a list of already answered ones or ask your own in the comments below. And have a great day!