So veganism isn’t about purity. You’re not better than other people for being vegan. (We talked about that here.) But that doesn’t mean that you’ve got to give up and pretend that slaughtering animals for the pleasure of your tastebuds is okay. There’s another side to the story. 

Respecting someone doesn’t mean agreeing

   When it comes to talking to nonvegans, we often feel the pressure of a false dichotomy. We think we either have to lay everything out and argue for the victims of mass animal use, abuse and slaughter, or we feel pressure to submit and be agreeable with the general opinion and conclusion of society. And this is a false dichotomy. 

   I feel this pressure too. It’s only natural to be angry or upset when people so flippantly doom and disparage innocents to abuse and death, and even more frustrating when they seem surprised about your disagreement and distaste for the situation. 

   And yet, there is a pain and a fear all of our own stuck in there too. Because they’re people we care about. People who we see on a daily basis, who we love and whose opinions we do, generally value. We don’t want to be an outcast in our own families and friends groups. And we don’t want to cause the people we love distress either. 

   But there is a fine line that is possible to walk. I’m not perfect at it, but I can manage it better the more I practice. You can push against both fears at the same time by acknowledging the truth of the matter (meat was someone’s body who didn’t want to die, for example), but not involving language that is needlessly inflammatory. 

   Like I said, I’m not perfect at it. But if you can get into the habit of stating simple facts instead of arguing ideologies and emotions about them, you won’t have to feel like you’re betraying anyone—the animals, your loved ones, or yourself. 

   You can’t avoid all conflict this way, that’s true. But you can keep from having an ethical and emotional quagmire every time you open your mouth to speak about your life choices. In other words, you can be respectful and honest at the same time. You don’t have to choose between green lighting behavior you’re uncomfortable with and behaving in a way that paints you in a negative light. 

Good and bad actions do not make good and bad people

   Not solely anyway. Choosing not to kill is a good thing and would improve a person. That doesn’t mean every person who hasn’t killed is better than every person who has. There are lots of factors and little way of measuring it anyway. This is incredibly important to keep in mind in life, but specifically as it intersects with veganism. 

   One of the most difficult lessons in my life is that sometimes good people can do horrible things. To the point where honestly, we may as well just throw out the idea of a good person altogether. I’m not a misanthrope, I care about and enjoy people deeply. But I think this classification of people into good and bad and needing to believe we’re in the “good” column doesn’t help us much in practical terms. 

   We try to classify things like this as a sort of benchmark, to hypothetically have a standard to shoot for and I guess make things vaguely better in the future due to this perceived direction. But I don’t see this tendency as something that helps us get to that end. 

   Classifying yourself as a good person doesn’t make you automatically want to go out and do good things or improve. If anything, it causes complacency.  And doing the opposite isn’t a reliable motivator either, since it just mires you in guilt and shame—two things that impede progress. 

   So really, the concept of good and bad people is reductive and unhelpful often enough. Instead, I find it more effective to focus on “better” decisions and habits, for vegans and nonvegans alike. 

The crossed wires of militant vegans

   That being said, even if you don’t think that the nonvegan is a “bad” or “worse” person, you’re still probably going to experience negative feelings from time to time, because the life of a factory farmed animal is horrific. If you’ve decided to go vegan, it can seem appalling that others learning the truth doesn’t motivate them to do the same. 

   I think this is the main place that the stereotype of the militant vegan comes from. And it’s actually not too hard to understand when you think about it. When vegans get into heated discussions with nonvegans, what you get is a classic difference of perspective. The ethical vegan will consider the animals to be the victims of the systems our society has in place. But a nonvegan who has less awareness around the subject doesn’t feel a connection to the plight of the animals. They’re not real to them and their experience, and so instead they perceive themselves to be the victim of the conversation. With the absence of cruelty happening right in front of them, the disconnect persists, and the most egregious wrong, in their field of vision, is the anger and frustration of the vegan. 

   To be clear, I’m not saying that carnists are “playing the victim”. Simply that their lack of intimate awareness around the suffering of animals (either willfully or by circumstance) makes them unable to perceive the animals as the ones who need standing up for. 

Dealing with the anger

   This is one of the most frustrating things about caring for something that no one else can be bothered with. You’re chronically perceived as over sensitive and overreacting if you get emotional about it. And it’s not something that I can pretend won’t happen to you after going vegan. 

   I find that venting to nonvegan peers, however, isn’t the best channel for these feelings. When you’re angry at a system and venting to someone who actively funds that system regularly, it’s difficult to keep those things separate, for both sides. 

   If you can, find a community that has some vegans you can vent to. But if that’s not an option, or not of interest to you (because no, I don’t find it necessary to be a part of vegan-only circles), go inward. Do some journaling to get the feelings out, and consider other ways of using these feelings and energy for good. Whether it’s self-care or being moved to activism, it’s better than just sitting there and being angry at your aggressively meat-eating uncle (or whoever). 

It is, however, possible to find someone who is not vegan but is still a safe person to vent to about this “vegan frustration”. I would look to see if they’re someone who has good emotional maturity in general situations, if they’re a good listener, and if you can trust them with being vulnerable in other ways in your life already. And then, if they are all these things, having a talk about your boundaries as well as theirs around the subject can help you determine if they would be a good person to talk to (and healthy for both of you to have these kinds of interactions and conversations).

Your approach is your choice

   There are very real conversations to be had (and that are being had) about the effectiveness of certain approaches when it comes to vegan activism. And I do plan on writing about the topic more in depth in the future, but essentially my opinion on the topic is fairly middle of the road. 

   There are some situations that call for being more frank, while others would be improved by using more gentleness and tact. Some people will be easier convinced by one approach than the other. And some vegans have a better propensity for one strategy over the other. In my opinion, we need all sorts of individuals and approaches to being and talking about being vegan. Lacking variation in approach is a red flag for any group to me, and not something that has great utility, either. 

   So no, I’m not going to tell you that you should prioritize the gentler sides to activism or that you should hold back on telling people about what animals go through in order to become our steaks and pork chops. If that’s not your way of doing things, I respect that. But the hard truth will only get you so far in some cases, and I think that’s something to be aware of too. 

   Some people feel that the most effective form of activism is to simply get more people eating more vegan food. After all, if it is all about supply and demand, then even getting nonvegans to eat more vegan food is surely progress. But others say, “I don’t want to handhold people and stroke their fragile ego as they eat less corpses.” I hear that too. You don’t need to put your stamp of approval on someone’s sole effort of a meatless Monday. I get it.  But being bitingly rude to them whenever the subject comes up isn’t going to give them a positive view of veganism long term either. So maybe take into consideration some of the softer tactics as well. You may not convince everyone by relying on them solely, but you will turn less people away if you employ them.

Make honest boundaries

Don’t want to cook or order nonvegan food? Cool. Can’t talk about animals being slaughtered without getting upset? Good to know. Learning to communicate these needs with others that are close to you is incredibly important for interpersonal relationships, and can also help raise their awareness inadvertently. So, be real with your loved ones.

And thank you, as always, for reading my thoughts. Let us know in the comments what you’ve done to enforce mutual boundaries with nonvegan loved ones. And if you’re interested in more vegan content or ways to put more good (or at least less bad) out into the world, subscribe to the blog for email updates any time there’s a new post! Have a lovely day!